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Ok so I haven’t posted anything to update my followers in a long long long time lol. Sorry about that. hopefully this makes up for it.
I AM GOING CRAZY!!! (as if i wasn’t already crazy before) but really. Everything has been piling on with all this school work on top of family issues… and luckily my financial issue just got fixed up so i’m not in a bad situation there. But Lord have mercy i’m exhausted… And this Thanksgiving Break…. I’m working more than i do at school! :( I literally want to go back with EVERYTHING done so that the last two weeks are somewhat of a breeze because i don’t know if i can take two more weeks of insanity haha.
Due to my insane schedule i completely have had no real time to look out for my love life, but just recently i started going on dates. The bad part is the only thing i think about while being on the date is the ex… A guy actually kissed me the other day and i felt horrible and got a little bit emotional because while he kissed me the only person i could the about was the ex…. and i felt so bad like i was betraying him or something…. really weird considering the way we broke up but i guess i’m somewhat still attached to him. I actually just recently started talking to him just as friends which is really hard for me because i don’t get to have all of him the way that i did…. and that sucks big time.
You know what else sucks…. not being straight lol…. (i’m jumping quickly you gotta keep up lol) Yesterday night when i came home I picked up my first lady “onfiya” and of course i had roses and carried all of her things like a true gentlemen… And i swear the time we spent in that car i haven’t smiled that much in a while like when i left her house my face was hurting lol. I wanted to kiss her last night… I think its the fact that me and her still have this really really strong emotional connection that i can’t really explain… i don’t know if she feels it as much as i do but it kills me because i want to be everything to her but i don’t think i can…. due to the fact that i’m attracted to men… and maybe that just means that we’re supposed to be friends that just have this super strong connection… but sometimes i feel like things aren’t necessarily over between us… like there is some unfinished business there…. idk…
my back hurts…. random but true… so idk what else is going on. But you guys will hear from me on a more regular basis i promise :)
I’m requesting a generator. A generator that you can put your personal traits in. A generator you can put specific physical and mental must have’s in your type of man. A generator that will then produce your picture perfect man that will love and want only you so that you don’t have to waste years attempting to find him. I want him to go through the phase of falling in love with me and i with him as he takes me on dates. I want him to surprise me with gifts and random acts of kindness. I want him to pick me up from work for lunch or decide to just hang around me all day. I want him to walk me to class and kiss me on the forehead before i leave him. I want him to hold me at night and care for me when i’m ill…. WHERE IS THIS DAMN GENERATOR!!!
My one and only love Mariyaonfiya
How your smile lights the room…
How your heart warms the earth as if to be the core.
How your gentle touch can sooth even the most frigid of skins
You make my heart flutter
You make my world spin.
Your angelic voice
how it radiates and permeates the sweet air that you breathe
Is it not the sweetest, for you, have penetrated it?
Everything you touch is more valuable than gold
Everything you caress is more valuable than life itself.
Your hair. Your lovely hair
How it bounces back and forth upon your beautiful dome.
dome of wisdom that stretches from east to west and then north to south, and
then back, O your wisdom, exceeds all among the land.
and O Mariyaonfiya
How your curves exceed the finest of hills and valleys one will never know
your body is beautiful
a perfect match for your wisdom and courage
a perfect fit for the range of your natural beauty and inner beauty
How I indeed love you.
Ready…. Set….. GO!!!!
Yesterday was indeed a MarAndre day! LOVE THIS GIRL TO DEATH (yes my ex who i dated about a month into college). Me and her are finally getting back to a good place, but i’ve gotta say its really interesting trying to figure out exactly what we are…. Like yes we’re best friends…. yes we we’re together… yes this is the only woman i planned on marrying… yes i’m attracted to her…. No i don’t like vagina… lmao.
Does that make sense? I’ll try to explain it a bit better.
Yesterday there were multiple times when i wanted to hold her hand, or cuddle with her, or even kiss her… but i’m gay… lol. She is like the exception to my homosexuality, but at the same time not… like I don’t completely understand… and that’ll be something that i need to figure out but still… And if she is reading this right now. yes I am still bringing you roses… yes i am still taking you to red lobster…. and yes i’m still fixing those bed frames at your house haha. :P EITHER WAY… this is not the point… the point was…. I really really really missed her… And i’m sooooo glad we’re back in this somewhat twisted yet not twisted friendship/relationship/not relationship/ idk haha.
Another thing also happened on MarAndre day… When i drive i now have a tendency to hold on to my PRNDL shift (my car is old school so its between the passenger and driver seat). And today… i reached for it and then realized why i was reaching for it and had to take a deep breath… When i was with my previous Boyfriend whenever either of us would drive we ALWAYS held hands… ALWAYS… and its not that i forgot that we did this. Its just that i i picked up this habit of grabbing my shift after we had broken up… IS THAT NOT STRANGE??? Like i was a bit intrigued, yet super emotional because i realized that not only am i directly missing him as far as thinking about him, but i’m indirectly missing things that we did together… things as simple as holding hands in a car while one of us is driving… It took me back for a minute and i had to calm myself down before i lost it but is that not the weirdest thing ever???
Speaking of… after cutting all communication… I feel like i’m in such a better place… So much so that i opened communication lines again… I even talked to him today… which was nice… and was a lot less awkward than i anticipated. IDK he’s just so easy to talk to… or to listen to for that matter. Friends? yeah sure… We’ll see what happens but i’m ok with where we’re at now. So no complaints
It’s been a while since i’ve really posted for my lovely followers that sit and read about my day to day life and all the crazy events i go through. lol I think there were multiple reasons why i’ve avoided so please allow me to apologize and explain.
I guess the easiest way to explain it would be to just bluntly say, its over :/
yeah i know bunches of you were rooting for my boyfriend and I, but we didn’t last. Shocked? Yes i know, and i am too. For those who have been following you know that this guy i was dating was like…. it… I was just so completely convinced that he was the one for me. There was no one else. There is no one else… he was supposed to be it. I would’ve gladly shouted to the entire world that i was in love with ______ (not gonna do that to him), if he would’ve asked. We’re were just about to hit the 9month mark. I had gifted him an really nice watch for our belated 6th month celebration, which was when i spent 5days with him before school started. Still, by far, the best 5days of my life. Waking up to him was… glorious to say the least. Seeing his face everyday (long distance if you haven’t picked that up… well an hour away so not too bad).
I thought i was doing everything right at least I mean, I made sure that i was able to come and spend a sum of days in his presence because he missed me so much, and vice versa, but i did it mainly for him. and within a week it was over…. and it was so unexpected. and for a while i was hurting so badly (still sorta am). And in order not to bash him or completely blow things out of proportion i decided that it would be best to kinda disappear from my blog for a while so that it didn’t become a social hate network for the broken hearted homosexual black man lol.
I won’t get into too much detail about it, but i’ll be brief and say that at the end of the day he wasn’t happy, and i wasn’t meeting the standard. One, small (i consider it that) detail ruined what would’ve been 9months of being head over hills with the man i thought i would spend the rest of my life with.
I know a lot of you will say there are other fish in the sea and all that crap, but i don’t think that anyone can really fathom how emotionally invested i was in him. and who he was to me. And how beautiful and special i felt just to be able to tell people he was mine. Do i wish him the best? Yes. Do i hope he finds someone that makes him happy? Yes.
Do i want him to show up at my door with red velvet cupcakes and a teddy bear telling me he was wrong and that he should’ve never left? Yes.
Do i want to jump into his arms and cry until there are no more tears left? Yes.
Do i want him back? More than you can imagine.
Unfortunately i don’t know if i could ever trust him with my heart again. How would i look him in the eye and not remember this? But thats beyond the point….
The point is… Its over. And i’ve become a bit numb. emotionless. which is just out of old habit.
I’m trying to move on, but its borderline impossible
I name this untitled simply because every time i go to write something about him i just come to a complete loss of words.
So i’m driving back to DePauw from rehearsal tonight drinking a red bull. (due to a new habit of dozing while driving… thank you sleep deprivation, needless to say i am always drinking a cappuccino or an energy drink while i drive) After a few sips i’m awake enough to actually think haha. And the first thing that immediately entered my mind was my happiness. How content am i with my life right now. And after about 5minutes of contemplation i come to the realization that you have become the true source of my happiness. I think if i were to lose EVERYTHING i had but i kept you… i would still be the luckiest man on earth. And that probably sounds very cliche, but its honest. I think if you weren’t here to balance out all the crazy and stress, i would be in way over my head. You have kept me so grounded and focused… you’ve distracted me from the stress and forcefully pulled me away from my work in order to keep me from going insane or burning out. And you may not know it but i believe i’m so fortunate to have stumbled across your existence because you are everything that i’ve ever wanted and needed in a guy and hen some. My heart skips a beat when i think about it.
I love you so much :)
15-19 I spent these amazing 5days with the love of my life. There were entirely too many good times to sit here and explain in detail every single moment that i had with him so i’m not going to attempt to.
I have to be honest and say that i miss the crap out of being in his presence and its only been a few hours. I can’t stand being away from him, because he is everything i have ever wished for. He cares soo much about me and he treats me like a prince. And as bratty as he claims to be (and i will gladly hand him that title) i think that he wants to be everything to me. And i don’t think anyone will be able to take that title from him. I can’t fathom not having him in my life and every moment i spend with him is memories i hold for a lifetime. Every kiss, every hug… everything about this man i absolutely adore. And he may think that he’s not good enough, but i think he’s everything i could ask for and more.
I miss him sooo much right now
got to spend some major major time with the boy, you’ll get updates later :) About to catch up with everyone on campus :)
I don’t know when things became so difficult… I never thought we would end up here. I don’t really know where to start so i guess maybe i should just start at the beginning.
January15th around 10pm i found you and we exchanged numbers and that was the start for us… since then i can’t remember not being happy. And maybe i don’t say it enough, but you make me happy.
The 1st time i met you in person i remember being SOOOOO nervous. And i swear it took hours to figure out what i was going to wear and how i was going to react… I think that whole weekend i never once stopped smiling. Except when Brooke starting drilling you cause she was skeptical. Also the first time you held me… I didn’t say it, but i can’t remember thinking anything other than feeling safe.
*eyes start to water just a bit*
The 2nd time you came to visit you gave me a WHOLE batch of Red Velvet Cupcakes…. (you’re gonna be mad but i have to be honest and tell you a had to pawn a few of those off to friends). And that was the first Valentines Day (even though it wasn’t really Valentine’s Day) that I spent with someone.
3months into seeing each other you slipped up on skype and said you loved me, and then tried to play it off (and no matter how many times you deny it you know you said it). Unfortunately for you i have like satellite hearing. Anyway… The funny thing about it was that the day you slipped was the day i slipped in conversation with Caitlin about how much i love you. (didn’t know that did ya :P).
*at this point i’m sobbing uncontrollably*
The last month of school and you came to visit… I drove your car…. you trusted me to drive you car… lol… I bought us McDonalds. We had been up since like 7am that Sunday… we missed breakfast because we cuddled and were intimate until like… 11:30am…
The list goes on and on and on…
If there has ever been a moment where you didn’t think that you made me happy… If there was any moment where i made you believe that i wasn’t happy… I’m sorry. I’m sooo sorry. I don’t want you to ever feel like you haven’t made me the happiest man on earth… Because every morning i wake up feeling that way. Even when things are rough… Even when I things between us aren’t easy… there hasn’t been one morning that i’ve awaken feeling anything less the lucky that you’re in my life.
No this doesn’t mean everything is perfectly fine now… but i wanted to remind you… and i needed to remind myself. Because sometimes… we forget when we’re surrounded by everything thats bad…
This is where part of the problem started… This is where part of it ends
I love you.