I went to a dance recital today. Absolutely stunning. Kids from the ages of like 6 all the way up to the senior graduates of the studio. I really just was sooo impressed with the skill set the, range in which all the dancers displayed from modern to tap and then ballet… just phenomenal.
However, i have to say a small part of me really got a bit depressed. Not because the dancers were horrible or because it was a great show… It was amazing… i just… i wish that i could’ve had the opportunity to be a part of something like that. I wish my parents would’ve put me in dance classes. I wish i could’ve been a part of a dance studio and build my technique and skill set. I’m just so far behind and i have the passion for dance, i just don’t know if i’m going to be able to catch up in time. I look at these kids younger than me doing all these split leaps and double and triple pirouettes into barrel jumps and… i’ll be honest i’m intimidated. As much as i love to dance, i look at it and i say what if its too late? Its just scary because i’m about to put everything on the line for this, and if i don’t make it… its like i’m screwed. Cause if i really want to make this happen i need to pull out of school and join a school of dance somewhere. And i’ll be on my own, because my parents are just done… How the crap am going to do this?…
I’ve been flustered all day thinking about you non-stop… and i can’t help myself to be quite honest. I love you, and thats what i’m supposed to do, right?… even if it wasn’t i’d still love you anyway. I guess one of those things that i just can’t really detach myself from. The whole week i’ve been debating as to whether to give you that call… that i want you back because i realize that there is nothing out in this world better for me than you call… and then i saw your wall…
I saw the pain that i have caused you will all my bullshit. All the tears that you have shed over me because of the endless stories of the past that seem to cloud my head…
I have yet to get away from them… I have yet to wake up one morning and look myself in the mirror and not feel as if i’m dealing with what i have. And your right i do need help… And i thought i needed time, but i was wrong, i needed you. Because in some whacky way you were the only person to completely wipe my memory. When i was with you i felt beautiful… I felt as if i had merit. And maybe i did at one time. But lets be honest, the more i told you about myself, the more i lost merit. I was no longer your knight in shining armor… i was no longer the man of your dreams. And to see that come to the light… it hurts, i can’t say it any other way. and thats not to guilt trip you or make you feel bad.
I’m not good enough for you… It seemed like it for a while… and a lot of times i have doubt in that statement. But i know what your looking for, and i know that i can’t provide you with all that you need. Between my issues, and the distance that has been created between us, i’ve seen some things that i didn’t notice before. I’m allowing you to settle for something less than whats perfect for you… And that is my fault because I love you far more than life itself, but i’m not good for you…
Maybe I was here to show you that not every guy is an asshole… To restore your faith that the right guy is out there for you :’( …. that took a lot for me to say…. and again maybe i could be wrong… but judging by the way things have slowly started deteriorating that seems to be the only answer….
I wish i had the guts to call you and say this but i’m crying so uncontrollably right now you wouldn’t be able to understand a word i was saying…
I don’t want you to feel burdened with me anymore, because at this point i’m no longer that hero of a boyfriend… I’m just a boyfriend with a lot of problems that seem to get in the way of what you want because i have yet to overcome all of what i’m going thru.
