Through My Eyes

You know i’ve been struggling for quite a while with my personal beliefs with this whole situation of my attraction to men and all that blah blah…. (thats a different story for a different day, when i’m not at an all time low)

Reflecting on religion today because me and my best friend in the WHOLE universe had a very in depth conversation this morning (she found out about my life a few months ago if you don’t follow me and my somewhat daily post)… well she’s been keeping this news from my father… and i feel horrible about it. i’ve always felt horrible about it because she’s hidden so much from him on my behalf, and i feel like i’m putting strain on their relationship. But anyway, she is encouraging me to tell him, if i indeed do not think this is a phase. And right now i honestly don’t think it is anymore. However, i’m just not ready to tell him that information… because i know telling him that information is the end all of everything. He’s my source of paying for part of my college funds, he provides the home i stay in when i’m on breaks… and he may not be the warmest heart in the world, and we may not have the best relationship with each other, but he’s my father… and the last thing i want to do is to disappoint him… especially with this type of information…. Now you’re probably thinking what does this have to do with religion? Well let me fill you in.

My family is strongly based in the Baptist religion. My grandfather is a pastor. My dad grew up in the church. my mom went to church every sunday with my great grand. We as a family very much so believe in God. For those who do not know some Baptist religions believe that homosexuality is immoral and a sin.

Now back to the story. So me and mom are sitting and talking and she is just drilling me. Not because she’s disgusted or thinks i’m like possessed. She is just really concerned for me and this isn’t the life that she envisioned for me to live. She’s talking about going before God and telling him that i want deliverance and to question why and to ask for forgiveness. And no matter how many times i say i’ve done it, its always well do it more often, be still and wait for him to respond….. Now i love my mother and i value her opinion and her advice. But i’ve done that for 7yrs… and nothing has changed. Their has been no angel that just floats down from heaven and says “i’m here to take away this awful curse that has been bestowed upon your life.” i haven’t woken up one morning and suddenly its just gone… my attraction for men has never just gone away. and as much as i’ve gone to God praying and crying and asking him to remove it from me, it has not gone anywhere. And i don’t know about anyone else, but after praying for deliverance for 7yrs, i get tired of waiting for results. I’m sorry but i’m human. i lack patience. If you are who you say you are, and you honestly believe this is not the path that you set me on then my guess would be that you would take that away from me. at least after 7yrs. No matter how consistent, or inconsistent my prayers, my actions were…. not even to mention at one time it was so bad that every time i saw a man i was attracted to i had a little prayer i would say it my head asking to remove that feeling. (it worked for a very brief second)…… IF THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU WANTED FOR ME THEN WHY AM I DEALING WITH IT? WHY WOULD YOU TEST ME WITH SOMETHING SO HORRIBLE AND LEAVE IT WITHIN MY MIND FOR 7YRS…. AND COUNTING?? I don’t understand why a loving, compassionate God, whom i serve and adore, would allow me to bear something so heavy for so long, even after i cry out to him for years. Why would i still be dealing with it if this wasn’t the path that was chosen for me? Why would i be so happy in a relationship that “is immoral.” I’ve never felt better in my life with someone than i do right now. i’m happy. i enjoy the time that i spend with him… and he makes me feel like i’m not missing a chunk of me that should be there… And you want to tell me that God doesn’t want that for me? Cause honestly right now, i couldn’t imagine life without him. And i thank God every day for bringing someone into my life that cares… and he doesn’t strike me down for it… he doesn’t start nipping away at the blessings that he has sat in front of me, and in fact, the blessings have increased, but my religion says its wrong. Its immoral… its a sin…

And what pisses me off most about this isn’t even that. Its the fact that religion has parents looking at their children sideways when they are following some sort of path that isn’t “morally” right according to the bible. And has kids scared to be honest with their family… the group of people that is supposed to love them the most out of everyone on this earth.  Because they have feelings for the same sex. Has children believing that they’ll get disowned, that they’re bringing shame to the family name. Has me believing that once i give my father this information i’m going to be on my own. Knowing i’m going to be on my own, cause he’s not willing to support a homosexual male thru college. son or not. Got me wondering how i’m going to live on my own… has me questioning where i’m going to live, how am i going to get an education. how am i going to live… And the unfortunate thing is that in some cases… THIS IS A REALITY FOR MANY. One day your family loves you and then the next they shun you… because of one tiny detail. one flaw… if it is a flaw. Has families looking at the significant other with hatred…

I’m just disgusted with all of it…. And i see why people shy away from it all. I understand why people never want to talk religion. Never want to get to deep within a faith… have a connection with the spiritual world. Because if you screw up or if you don’t live according to every rule… It has everyone looking at you sideways. The people that love you, want to forget that you ever existed… has people walking down streets looking at you like wtf cause you’re holding hands with someone that is no different that you.

I was forming a backup plan in case i lost my scholarship… now i realize it was a backup plan for when i’m pushed out on my own. Cause i can’t afford my college. And if i have to pull out now… i honestly don’t think i’ll ever have the motivation to go back. Homeless with a dream. all because of a religious background. But i know God will provide a way. i have to believe that he’ll provide a way. because thats all i have now. I wonder what dad will say… I keep hoping that i’m wrong, but deep down… i know my father. And i know how deeply rooted he is in this religion… I hope i’m wrong…

You know you’re in love when

-You randomly see something in a store that they would want, and immediately grab it

-You’re not with them yet you smell their scent 

-You can’t stop thinking about them

-You pray for them more than you pray for yourself

-Constantly worried about them

-Making ludicrous plans for the future don’t sound to bad as long as it involves spending the rest of your life with them :)

-You can watch a movie with a typical love story basis and not get pissed off

FOLLOWERS AT TO THE LIST :D